A clashing cymbal?

I just got back from meeting with someone, and we got into a pretty intense discussion about what the church (as in the entire body) is called to be. We talked about how the early church looked radically different - their love for God and others grossly evident in how they lived their lives - and that is part of why it grew so quickly. And then we started discussing how we need to act if we want to look radically different. We talked for a long time about different ways that could happen, and different things that needed to change. And then, we got around to actually discussing how I have practically lived this out.

I am definitely someone who likes to discuss issues - and I can get pretty passionate about a multitude of topics. But, I am coming to realize that I often fall short in actually acting on those passions. I spend so much time arguing points and contemplating ideas, that I never get around to doing something about it. I am a fount of thoughts and words and devoid of living proof of the principles I so strongly believe. How much more of an example could I be if I just acted quietly rather than speaking loudly?

Let me dwell...

I love to process through writing - whether it is letters or lyrics/poetry. But, I haven't been doing much of it lately. This morning, I was reflecting on my consistency in trusting God's plan for my life...which seems to be up and down from day to day. Anyway, I found a poem/song that I had started (barely) a while ago, and I added to it this morning. Enjoy...

Let me dwell in your security,
Make your promise become my plan,
Let me linger in your love always,
And know it’s in your name I stand.

Though my mind knows the truth,
Let my heart believe too,
And with all of my life,
Let me glorify you.
And I sometimes may question,
Or my not understand,
Let me always remember,
My life is in your hands.

Let me walk in your radiant light
Help me follow where you lead
Let me rest in your unending grace
Recognize you are all that I need.

Let me hang on your every word,
Listen to you when you call,
Let me live out your kingdom, Lord,
Submit to you as ruler of all.

Just yesterday I was reminded that God wants us to rest in him and find patience through our faith in him.

No seriously, what actually constitutes closure?

I often think of myself as someone who “needs” closure – and I see myself as being the primary provider of said closure. Whether it is situation that needs to be settled or a relationship that needs to be redefined, I figure that hashing it out with whoever is at the other end will lead to me getting over it. In other words, I must be heard before I can move on. And how do I like to “be heard” you might ask – I want to look good coming out of it – to make sure that the other person understands my viewpoint, to make sure they know how they have messed up, to make sure I get the last word. None of that is my job – and some days, I remember to thank God for that. Most days, I just want to play God – which is both incredibly stupid and incredibly prideful. In the end, my self-induced closure rarely lives up to it’s name. In reality, God is the only one who can provide true closure – and for me to think that I can somehow provide it for myself is just foolish. So, I am working on that – working on having faith that God will provide everything I need – which very often includes closure.

Keeping my Castle

I actually wrote this one a long time ago - but last night I watched the movie 500 Days of Summer and had a conversation that reminded me of this musing from a couple years ago...

KEEPING MY CASTLE

It’s hard to admit when he’s been a total jerk. It’s easier to ignore the little things and make excuses for the big things – at least initially – because then I can call those “little” situations just an aberration – it’s not really what he meant to do, how he meant to make me feel. So, I get to keep my dream, this castle I’ve built – I get to keep my prince, because it’s not about me and it’s not really about him either. But when I admit it, then some of it is on me. I pretended it didn’t mean anything – even when it bothered me. I put up with it – even when it was hurtful. I lived with it – even when it was insulting. And some of it is on him. He acted selfishly. He lied to me – he manipulated me – he tossed my feelings aside. Ultimately, I kept my dream – but it was more of a nightmare. I kept my prince – but he was more of a thief. And I realize I’ve lost a lot more than I’ve managed to keep.

Control and freedom

I was thinking about life the other day – and my desire to control it. If I am in control, than I have freedom – or that is what I have always thought.

I have gone to a few museums in my time. At some of the museums, they offer tour guides or audio guides. I rarely get one. You see, if I don’t have someone or something guiding me through the museum than I have the freedom to move at my own pace and in my own direction. But one time, I was talked into getting the tour guide. There goes my freedom I thought – no choosing what wing I want to go to or when I want to move on to the next piece. But what I found was that this guide offered a much richer experience. Yes, some of my options were gone, but what I did have was so much more meaningful – and maybe there is freedom in that – in not being in control.

Why is it that somehow I have come to equate control with freedom? If I am in control that I feel like I have the freedom to make my own decisions, my own choices – and this seems more appealing for some reason. I think I fail to realize that when I try so desperately to maintain control, I am really losing the freedom.

Long time...

I haven't written in a really LONG time, but I have been in a lot of serious conversations recently that have prompted me to think about previous things I have written (on my computer, not on the blog) and I thought I would share a few today.