Keeping my Castle

I actually wrote this one a long time ago - but last night I watched the movie 500 Days of Summer and had a conversation that reminded me of this musing from a couple years ago...

KEEPING MY CASTLE

It’s hard to admit when he’s been a total jerk. It’s easier to ignore the little things and make excuses for the big things – at least initially – because then I can call those “little” situations just an aberration – it’s not really what he meant to do, how he meant to make me feel. So, I get to keep my dream, this castle I’ve built – I get to keep my prince, because it’s not about me and it’s not really about him either. But when I admit it, then some of it is on me. I pretended it didn’t mean anything – even when it bothered me. I put up with it – even when it was hurtful. I lived with it – even when it was insulting. And some of it is on him. He acted selfishly. He lied to me – he manipulated me – he tossed my feelings aside. Ultimately, I kept my dream – but it was more of a nightmare. I kept my prince – but he was more of a thief. And I realize I’ve lost a lot more than I’ve managed to keep.

Control and freedom

I was thinking about life the other day – and my desire to control it. If I am in control, than I have freedom – or that is what I have always thought.

I have gone to a few museums in my time. At some of the museums, they offer tour guides or audio guides. I rarely get one. You see, if I don’t have someone or something guiding me through the museum than I have the freedom to move at my own pace and in my own direction. But one time, I was talked into getting the tour guide. There goes my freedom I thought – no choosing what wing I want to go to or when I want to move on to the next piece. But what I found was that this guide offered a much richer experience. Yes, some of my options were gone, but what I did have was so much more meaningful – and maybe there is freedom in that – in not being in control.

Why is it that somehow I have come to equate control with freedom? If I am in control that I feel like I have the freedom to make my own decisions, my own choices – and this seems more appealing for some reason. I think I fail to realize that when I try so desperately to maintain control, I am really losing the freedom.

Long time...

I haven't written in a really LONG time, but I have been in a lot of serious conversations recently that have prompted me to think about previous things I have written (on my computer, not on the blog) and I thought I would share a few today.